Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
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*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Me checking my bank balance online.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Ha.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”