They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Kentucky names the shit out of places
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!