MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
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I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings