I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.