Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
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Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way