Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
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[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
so i’m at the stock market right
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.