The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
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Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
If you’re testing me, we failed.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*