Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
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My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”