I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
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Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*