[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
You Might Also Like
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.