“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
You Might Also Like
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*