[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
You Might Also Like
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!