I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
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ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Lmfaoooooo
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality