[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
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Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Thursday Thought.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!