People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
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date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Doormats are a gateway rug.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.