Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
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It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.