The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
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I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.