Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
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My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
#Caturday
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?