i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
You Might Also Like
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
why am I working on Labor Day
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Gemma Correll
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day