Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
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NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
What a website
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.