[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My brain is a bad influence on me
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months