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*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.