Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
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FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Favourite diary entry ever
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
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