Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
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Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?