Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
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The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
me: my friends: