If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
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I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??