That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
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Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does