You Might Also Like
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.