6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
You Might Also Like
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE