My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
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What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Jogging
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I hope they boil the right one.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.