I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Software Development ⛵️
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Yep.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
😂😂
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.