Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
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Attention children:
Mom is closed.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!