The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no