Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
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This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Somebody call the cops.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything