I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
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[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”