Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
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Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”