[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
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He wanted to make sure😂
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.