[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
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Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
what
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.