I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
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The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Look at this
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe