I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
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Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.