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I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
The prophecy is fulfilled
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]