ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
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“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
subtitles are so good nowadays
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*