Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
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I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?