Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
You Might Also Like
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Need this in my life lol
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Mhm.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.