My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
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I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.