I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
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If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it