If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
You Might Also Like
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury