me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
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if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.