A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
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the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
meanwhile over on facebook
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Chemical wingman
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
and now we wait
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.