Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
You Might Also Like
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will